Well, today I’m just going to update on past things I’ve touched on and share something I wrote to myself in June. *there will be curse words!*
I’m just going to jump right in and share with you what I wrote 6/13/16.
“!Things To Get Right!
1. ATTITUDE: You’ve been so cautious. Let things be. You don’t control the universe. Work on being happy, you deserve it. Its 6/13/16, you graduate college on 7/32/16! COLLEGE! You’re about to be a big girl working in a hospital (hopefully!) You deserve the world! Act like it! Stop being a little bitch! Let’s face it, its time you learn to be happy! LOVE YOURSELF!
2. BODY: Let’s get it right! You’ve lost almost 10lbs in one month with just your eating habits. Let’s start actively working on it! Get in touch with your body! Do you know when you’re own body is stressed? What’s going on with it? When was your last period, Ashley? GET IT TOGETHER! Are you freaking yourself out? Get to the doctors! Please! We both need it. (Body and mind.)
3. MONEY: Living paycheck to paycheck is no way to live. Save some fucking money! You will pay your debt and get a nice house! We will have Prada bags, red bottom shoes, a littman stethoscope, designer dresses, and a huge closet to put it all. Let’s try to save a grand by this time next year! WORK FOR IT!
4. LOVE/HAPPINESS: Learn to love yourself and be fucking happy with it! Stop feeling shitty every time your fat jiggles. Everyone has the same problem. Learn to find the happiness in life. What do you love to do? We can’t answer that right now. Find it in a year! Find something other than bubs to love, you both need it. You’re to attached and he’s suffocating. Let him breath and love him at the same time. It will work! I promise! FIND YOUR FUCKING HAPPINESS AND LOVE IT!
5. GOALS: What do you want? Do you really want to join the national gaurd? Do you want to be a nurse? Where do you want to be next year? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, ASHLEY?! Get it together, please! No more waiting! You’re better than that!”
So, now that I have actually read that again, I can kind of see that I’m extremely hard on myself. I remember the day I wrote that. I was at my first day of just duty. It had to be about 8:30am, I worked the night before. I was cranky and hungry. I forgot to make coffee and pack a lunch. All I had was my purse and the things I carry around with me daily. With that being said, I only had a 4 pack of crackers and gum. That was not nearly enough food for my 8 hour day there. It was a terribly rough day. Although, the whole experience of being on a jury made me realize that I truly love law. It was always an option for me but I thought I wasn’t smart enough. I still don’t. But I apply myself well when I want something. If I’m interested I will bury myself in it 24/7. In highschool I took environmental science and I knew almost every word in that book. I read it cover to cover. It also had a few sections about space. I love anything space. I just never want to go there or think about how big it is… It literally scares the shit out of me… It never ends. It just keeps going and going. Who/what created it? How can something not end? It just doesn’t make a lick of sense to me and I don’t really want to know. I’m not prepared.
Sometimes I can be very girly but I’m not good at it. Society makes me so self conscious. My eye brows aren’t done, I can’t wing my eyeliner, I can’t do amazing eye shadow, or contour anything, I don’t own fancy/fashionable clothes. Most of the time I pair my leggings with one of my tanks and bubs’ flannels. I own high heels but have nothing to wear them with. I usually just wear the heels when I’m home alone listening to our Spotify playlist and cleaning. Its so therapeutical to me. I watch so many videos on how to do fancy makeup, I buy the ipsy makeup bag every month for $10. I love trying new things, but its so pressure filled. Girls in my town are so vicious. I’m not skinny, nor do I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I weigh over 200lbs, brown hair, and hazel eyes. Ugh. Society is so crule. I know we aren’t all meant to be the same, but everyone wants to fit in. Bubs and I both struggle with this. He feels like he’s fat, but I think he’s perfect the way he is. He’s got a lot of muscle with a small layer of fat over it. I think its the most adorable thing in the world. I wish we both could see what we look like in each others eyes. Sometimes I feel so self conscious naked around him. He calls me beautiful all the time, but me being me doesn’t always see it. I’m so hard on myself. I hate it.
Well, updating on past posts will have to wait. I feel people don’t really read long blogs. If you do, thank you. It truly means a lot.
See ya next time,