The days keep rolling by

This morning I didn’t have any off the wall thoughts. Actually it was a great morning. Him and I went to bed together and woke up together. That’s not normal for us. But I hope it does become the normal. 

I don’t say his name because I’m not sure he would enjoy that…

I took a test today over what I don’t understand… Not sure how I did. Hopefully better than I thought. I usually have no problems with school. I’m pretty book smart. I just don’t apply myself. I’ve only gotten straight A’s once and that’s because I didn’t have any friends. But then again, not much has changed… I still don’t have any friends. 

At one point in my relationship I was second guessing my relationship, but last night I realized why I have stayed so long with my baby. He truly has a good heart. Even though he says he hasn’t been reading my blogs, he asked how it was going and if I wanted to talk to him about anything. And truthfully I don’t… I don’t want to be a sobbing mess. He just pulls the most out of my head, he always knows when I have more to say but not saying it. I really believe he cares about me, his basket case…. 

I want this blog to be about everything I’m feeling, what’s going on in my life, what my thoughts are, but sometimes I get embarrassed and just erase it and write an edited version… But it still helps to get some of my thoughts out. One of my dreams is to write a book. I have no clue about what, but it’s what I want. My biggest secret is that I want to be an author. He’s the only one that knows about it. And I love it. He tells me I could be. Now the reason it’s a secret is because the people who went to high school with me got made fun of for wanting to write for a living.  One can dream. 

Well I’ve got to pay attention now. Have a good day everyone!

Ash

I’m always late 

So here it is, Wednesday. Where did the time go? 

Well I’ll tell you about my week thus far. Monday I gave blood as I mentioned in my last post. That went well. I didn’t almost pass out like I did last time. But I had to sit there for a while just so I could let my body readjust to the pint of blood missing. After that I went home, did some homework, and hung out with my roommates until my boyfriend and I decided to go get chipotle and some beers. Yes, I drank the same day I gave blood…. And I drank on an empty tummy. Needless to say I was trashed after my first beer… I don’t recommend that for anyone. We got chipotle after we went to get a few beers and then came home. We watched a little bit of tv and then went and got the HUGE tv we bought from my sister. It didn’t fit very well in my car… So that was interesting. 

Tuesday, I went to class late. I decided I was going to sleep in. I’ll explain why after I give you a run down of my week so far. I presented my project and then did some in class work, and gave a review for my teacher. Thank goodness no one knows what my answers were. She’s not a good teacher. She tells about how she failed this class in high college. After class I obviously came home, watched some tv, and then went to work. After work, I came home, hung out with my boyfriend, and then we went to bed. 

Today, we work up at about ten. I cleaned and did some laundry and then sat down with my boyfriend to watch a movie. When the movie was over he had to go to work, so I took him and sat there. While I was sitting there I watched my ‘chick shows’ on Netflix. He calls them chick shows because he doesn’t like them. Now we are at home just hanging out. He’s playing his video games while I’m blogging/making dinner. 

Well now about my thoughts and emotions. They have been all over the place. I’ve been happy and I’ve been sad. It’s like my emotions can’t figure out what they want. Monday, while giving blood, I could only think about what if I needed my blood back because something terrible happened to me and I was losing so much blood? What if I started squirting blood everywhere and died? I wonder if I’ll ever have a day that I don’t think about my own death. Also, a lot of things that my boyfriend says has been making me angry. Usually they don’t. I know he’s just joking, but I still get extremely butt hurt. I can’t figure out why. Last night while I was laying next to him I couldn’t help but think about how much better his life would be if I weren’t around anymore. He wouldn’t have to deal with so much crazy going on. He’s probably the only person who really sees what it’s like for me. I could cry about anything. I could get so angry because someone’s head lights are so bring. Hell, I could just punch someone for not wearing the right clothes. I can’t figure out why… I just want to take a vacation from my brain… That doesn’t seem like to much to ask for. Right? 

Well I hope everyone else is having a better time than I have been this week. 

Sorry I didn’t go into to much detail this time… The foods going to be done in two minutes. 

You were given this life because YOU are strong enough to live it. 

Ash

Good Moring!

So after my post last night, I woke up feeling refreshed. It’s been a while since that happen. I guess getting my thoughts out really does help. 

So this morning, I woke up at the bring and early time of 7am. Only this morning my boyfriend was there. Usually he stays up and plays video games with his friends all night, or falls asleep watching Netflix on the couch. That’s a rough topic if you couldn’t tell… But I remember him getting in to bed with me! He let me snuggle and love him. When that happens it feels like most of my worries are gone. Goodness it felt nice. Although I had some conflict in my head last night before bed… Should I tell him I started blogging? Or do I just let him find the app on my iPad? Decisions I didn’t think about when I made this account. 

God, am I really stressed about something so small? Anxiety at its best I guess…

So my morning went well as I mentioned. I woke up on time, got in the shower, found my scrubs for class, got gas, and drove the 45 minutes it takes to get to class. (I’m going to be a medical assistant in a little over a year) Although, I did find my thoughts wondering to a dark place. I can’t seem to figure out why. My car has this issue, I’m not sure what it is, but it doesn’t like to go straight. You have to concentrate very hard or you’ll be in the surrounding lanes. This morning I caught myself thinking about what would happen if the car merged and I got into a car accident? Who would care, who would cry, who would come visit in the hospital, better yet who would come to my funeral? 

Why do I think about that so often? I just want to be normal and not have to think about that. Do normal people think about things like that? Or is it just me? I guess I really could be crazy. Do people in the medical field have to have a background check to see if they’re unstable/have mental problems? God, I hope not. My whole life plan would be so thrown off. Who knows what I would do. 

I’m in the middle of class blogging… I shouldn’t be doing this. But on the plus side I’m going to donate some of my blood today. So maybe that will make me feel like I did something great this week. 

Well happy Monday! I’ll check back in later. 

From their experience came pain, and from their pain came purpose, and from their purpose came beauty. (J. Arhangel)

Ash

Let’s Get Started 

Lately I’ve been thinking about ways to get my feelings out, see if anyone is going through the same things, or if I’m truly crazy… I guess we can try this.

I intend for this just to be a day to day struggle of living with depression. Sadly I’ve done all that I can medically and nothing seemed to help. But, before we get into that I want to introduce myself.

Well, my name is Ashley, I’m 21 and currently going to college. I have three cats. Two of them are girls and one is a boy: Jason, Cindy, and Bernie. I have a roommate and a boyfriend. My best friend is pregnant, and I live five minutes away from my mother and two minutes away from my granny.

Just a little background story about my struggle with depression. I started to notice something wasn’t exactly right around the age of 14. I wasn’t going and hang out with my friends, I wasn’t laughing so hard, I always felt sad when nothing was wrong, and I seemed to always have these crazy thoughts. I can’t tell you a time that I didn’t want to be like everyone else. I wanted to be skinny with the perfect long hair and great skin… Sadly my family doesn’t have any of that and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get what I wanted. I stopped eating for about three months and I didn’t lose a pound. I think the only think I would eat would be maybe a few crackers a day and all I would drink is water. The reason that stopped was my granny. She notices everything, but she can’t fix everything. Around the same time I started self harming. I remember the first time I cut myself, it was probably the best release I have ever found. It still is…. I found the dumbest ways to hide it too… For the first year I would cut my left forearm, right on the top. When people would ask I would tell them I got scratched by my cat (I didn’t have a cat then.) Then I moved to the under side of my forearm and no one seemed to notice that, thank goodness. Then as I started to get older and my granny started to catch on I started cutting my right upper thigh. I chose there because no one ever saw that area. When my family would make me go out and do stuff they wouldn’t see the cuts if I was wearing shorts. (My family loved to go out and do things on the lake.)

I moved out of my parents house as soon as I turned 18. I blamed my mother for most of my depression. We were always fighting and everything I did never seemed enough for her. I would get good grades and she would tell me to do better. I wouldn’t get in trouble like my siblings and she would tell me to get out of the house. It was never a winning battle for me. Since I’ve moved out I have started to look for new methods to help with my depression. I tried writing (I didn’t have privacy at my parents house), walking (I would get lonely and scared walking by myself), yoga (I don’t know why I stopped that), and I trekked smoking pot. To be 100% honest, smoking pot helped the most. It didn’t have the normal effect on me. It would make me want to get out and try new things. So I did that for a while until my job offered me a management position that required a drug test. After I took the test I would smoke here and there but I was to afraid of a random drug test that I never got… Curse them for that!

The greatest thing depression ever effected is my relationship… To this day it still does… That hurts the most… He doesn’t understand and I’m not sure he ever will. He’s been my best friend for 8 years, and we have been a thing for about 5 years. I love him with my whole heart, but depression makes it come out weird… I lay in bed most days or on the couch, I don’t like social situations (he’s a social butterfly), I don’t like wearing cute clothes because I feel that everyone is judging my stomach, my fat arms, and over sized thighs. He doesn’t understand that I try everyday to get better and I can’t find the right words to help him understand what’s going on in my head. Sometimes I think he doesn’t help me, but makes it worse. We are always fighting. Hell he sleeps on the couch more than not these days. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Why can’t I be what I use to be?

I’m just crazy now. I cry every day. Why? Who the fuck knows. At this point I think I’m just doomed to be depressed forever. I want fixed. I want to help myself. I want to be happy… I don’t think that’s to much to ask for. The only things that understand me are my cats. They always snuggle me when I cry.

On a side note, I quit my management job in July, went to dunkin donuts, quit there, went to planet sub, quit there, and now I’m at an assisted living for people with dementia.

Another side note, I’m a little tipsy, so please excuse any spelling/grammar issues you find.
Let the world see how you win, no matter how you seem to them. (Kid Cudi, mad solar)

With love,

Ash