I’m kind of getting the hang of blogging.

Well, today I’m just going to update on past things I’ve touched on and share something I wrote to myself in June. *there will be curse words!*

I’m just going to jump right in and share with you what I wrote 6/13/16. 

“!Things To Get Right!

1. ATTITUDE: You’ve been so cautious. Let things be. You don’t control the universe. Work on being happy, you deserve it. Its 6/13/16, you graduate college on 7/32/16! COLLEGE! You’re about to be a big girl working in a hospital (hopefully!) You deserve the world! Act like it! Stop being a little bitch! Let’s face it, its time you learn to be happy! LOVE YOURSELF! 

2. BODY: Let’s get it right! You’ve lost almost 10lbs in one month with just your eating habits. Let’s start actively working on it! Get in touch with your body! Do you know when you’re own body is stressed? What’s going on with it? When was your last period, Ashley? GET IT TOGETHER! Are you freaking yourself out? Get to the doctors! Please! We both need it. (Body and mind.)

3. MONEY: Living paycheck to paycheck is no way to live. Save some fucking money! You will pay your debt and get a nice house! We will have Prada bags, red bottom shoes, a littman stethoscope, designer dresses, and a huge closet to put it all. Let’s try to save a grand by this time next year! WORK FOR IT! 
4. LOVE/HAPPINESS: Learn to love yourself and be fucking happy with it! Stop feeling shitty every time your fat jiggles. Everyone has the same problem. Learn to find the happiness in life. What do you love to do? We can’t answer that right now. Find it in a year! Find something other than bubs to love, you both need it. You’re to attached and he’s suffocating. Let him breath and love him at the same time. It will work! I promise! FIND YOUR FUCKING HAPPINESS AND LOVE IT!

5. GOALS: What do you want? Do you really want to join the national gaurd? Do you want to be a nurse? Where do you want to be next year? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, ASHLEY?! Get it together, please! No more waiting! You’re better than that!”

So, now that I have actually read that again, I can kind of see that I’m extremely hard on myself. I remember the day I wrote that. I was at my first day of just duty. It had to be about 8:30am, I worked the night before. I was cranky and hungry. I forgot to make coffee and pack a lunch. All I had was my purse and the things I carry around with me daily. With that being said, I only had a 4 pack of crackers and gum. That was not nearly enough food for my 8 hour day there. It was a terribly rough day. Although, the whole experience of being on a jury made me realize that I truly love law. It was always an option for me but I thought I wasn’t smart enough. I still don’t. But I apply myself well when I want something. If I’m interested I will bury myself in it 24/7. In highschool I took environmental science and  I knew almost every word in that book. I read it cover to cover. It also had a few sections about space. I love anything space. I just never want to go there or think about how big it is… It literally scares the shit out of me… It never ends. It just keeps going and going. Who/what created it? How can something not end? It just doesn’t make a lick of sense to me and I don’t really want to know. I’m not prepared. 

Sometimes I can be very girly but I’m not good at it. Society makes me so self conscious. My eye brows aren’t done, I can’t wing my eyeliner, I can’t do amazing eye shadow, or contour anything, I don’t own fancy/fashionable clothes. Most of the time I pair my leggings with one of my tanks and bubs’ flannels. I own high heels but have nothing to wear them with. I usually just wear the heels when I’m home alone listening to our Spotify playlist and cleaning. Its so therapeutical to me. I watch so many videos on how to do fancy makeup, I buy the ipsy makeup bag every month for $10. I love trying new things, but its so pressure filled. Girls in my town are so vicious. I’m not skinny, nor do I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I weigh over 200lbs, brown hair, and hazel eyes. Ugh. Society is so crule. I know we aren’t all meant to be the same, but everyone wants to fit in. Bubs and I both struggle with this. He feels like he’s fat, but I think he’s perfect the way he is. He’s got a lot of muscle with a small layer of fat over it. I think its the most adorable thing in the world. I wish we both could see what we look like in each others eyes. Sometimes I feel so self conscious naked around him. He calls me beautiful all the time, but me being me doesn’t always see it. I’m so hard on myself. I hate it. 

Well, updating on past posts will have to wait. I feel people don’t really read long blogs. If you do, thank you. It truly means a lot. 

See ya next time,

Ash

What a day…

Ugh. What a holiday weekend. I’m sick as a dog with a migraine, I’ve been working nonstop. Today was the first day I had off in a very long time. Sadly I had to work tonight. I’ve got two jobs, one day time and the other night time. I sure do wish I would have called off but that wouldn’t work. This is what us third shifts call the holiday. I work every single day this week/weekend. I don’t think I’ll have a day off for about 10 days. Someone, please save me. I’m very stressed out today. I’m a little doped up, so I’m not 100% sure this post is even going to make sense… (I’ve taken a ton of meds to try and get rid of this damn migraine.) 

I think bubs and I are actually going to go on date tomorrow. I think him and I get 1 date a year. I’m glad he sees that I work my ass off just so we can fix his issues. (I have decided I’m not going to tell you the reason for his issues. Its not my business to tell and its a really tragic moment in his life.) I think our date is going to be Steak’N’Shake. We will get milkshakes and talk. My bubs is happy to get anything peanut butter and they just got a new peanut butter milkshake. I use to bake him all kinds of peanut butter goodies. God, where did that honeymoon love go? When did we get so vanilla? We were so happy and in love with no worries in the world. I think we just fell into a pattern. Although, I wouldn’t choose anyone else to be in this pattern with. 

You know, I wrote a list of things I wanted to write about and what I wanted to update. I think I’m actually going to stick to it. Warning, its not all pretty. I want to write about my past and what kind of conditions I grew up in. Some fucked up shit has happens. *I have a potty mouth! I said no editing of my posts.* 

When I was younger I was in choir. We had a huge show called Show Time. It was all four choirs packed into a 2 hour long show with no break in there. We sang and dance every single song we preformed. It was the best time of my life. I could sing. I was significantly smaller than I am now. I won’t say I was happier, but I was doing okay. I got by. We preformed two nights for the public, one school day for the middle school, and then another schools day for the primary and intermediate schools. (My school district has 4 schools. Primary, intermediate, middle, and high school. Its odd, I know.) I just wish I was still brave enough to preform anything in front of anyone. It was a rush. I felt so alive. I met bubs in highschool. My freshman year we were partners in a song but I ended us getting appendicitis and almost didn’t get to preform with him. I honestly wouldn’t have missed that for the world. When we got to take a lunch between our performances he snuggled up with me and kept me warm. Seriously the best man ever. 

Well, I have to do some work. I might come back and make another post about something I plan to write about. 

Until then, 

Ash

Things can get crazy…

Well… I have decided that this won’t just be about depression or being sad… This will literally be my open diary. Let’s hope my family never finds this. I’ve made a list of things that I want to write about, I now have the WordPress app downloaded on all of my devices. There is no excuse I can’t keep up with a blog. So with that being said, let’s get this started again.
I think today is just going to be about anything that comes to my mind. I’ve been a little over worker. I work 11pm to 7am about 10 out of 14 days at one job, and 7 days a week at the other job. I feel like my body is going to give out soon. My boyfriend, who we will call bubs, still isn’t working. I just wish we could pay everything off and get him a job that he wants. But I’m not going to talk about that. Its not my business. So, needless to say, I’m overly stressed out about money. I’m still living paycheck to paycheck, pinching pennies, trying to keep bubs pleased with everything he wants. The fact that I do that kind of hurts me. I want to go to Tennessee for thanksgiving to visit my grandma, I want to buy a new phone, I want buy a gym membership. I’m going to have to get anothwr job if I keep doing this. I think something in my head is telling me if I don’t keep him happy he will leave me… I’m not sure I could handle being without him. Love is crazy. All I really want in life is to be happy. My college life had to take a slight pause due to jury duty for exactly 4 weeks. It was a case between summa health system, Western Reserve Hospital Partners (WRH is 60% owned by physicians), and Western Reserve Hospital. Long story short summa was suing both WRHP  and WRH, and WRHP and WRH were suing summa. Both for different things, but that’s to much to go into. Just Google it, haha. I wonder is Summa Health System and Western Reserve are nation wide companies… But anyway, I’m a little bummed I could finish in time. I had two more months of class and one month of externships. I was suppose to be finished and working as a medical assistant already. Life throws some crazy shit at you from time to time… I’m surprised I survived thus far. Ice reconnected with one of my most favorite friends I’ve ever had. She recently moved back home. If we talk more about her later, we will call her Chris. Ooooh, I’ve had another friend move back home before Chris did. We will call her, B. All three of us are at different parts of our lives, yet they’re still two of my favorite people. They both connect with me on completely different levels. Its actually amazing. I never really thought I had different sides, I thought I was an all around boring person. I’m so hard on myself. But I’ve made positive strides and have started eating better and walking a lot more. At one point bubs and I were walking every day. Then we had a set back (we got to lazy to make healthy meals.) We have been on this journey for about three months. Within the first month I went from 222lbs to 214lbs. Its not huge, but progress is progress when you’re hard on yourself and keep yourself motivates. The second month we stopped what we were doing and went back to our original weights. Now I am back down to 216lbs. I don’t eat as terrible or as often (I truly don’t have much time to eat), but I do eat three times a day. With my line of work I’m constantly on my feet, so I’m getting some kind exercise. (For those judgmental assholes, yes I’m a big woman. I’m trying to change. Cut me some slack.) I have had baby fever like no other. My all time best friend, we will call her, Cece, had my god son and he’s the cutest little thing. Almost everyone I hung out with in highschool has a cute ass child. I actually had a scare last month… I was over a week late. (Sorry if its TMI. Also, bubs doesn’t want babies right now.) Another major part of my life right now is pretty little liars. I had a drunk night with one of my friends. We will call her, Em. She turned it on after we got home from the bar/food, and I’ve been hooked ever since. God, since this year has started I have realized I love drinking. I don’t do it every day or every week, at that. Just when I have the time and money. Its fun to let loose. I’m always focused on how I’m going to get my next dollar, rather than how I’m going to spend it. Maybe that’s my problem. I spend so much money on things I shouldn’t. I need to stop smoking. I’m just not ready for that. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do if they aren’t ready, right? I’ve been getting very bad migraines these past couple of months… I wish I could visit the doctor but, my insurance costs to much, the copays are to high, and I don’t ha e the money to pay for it all. I need to find time to apply for the government insurance. I didn’t realize how long this has gotten, but I don’t want to stop… 

Until next time,

Ash