Things can get crazy…

Well… I have decided that this won’t just be about depression or being sad… This will literally be my open diary. Let’s hope my family never finds this. I’ve made a list of things that I want to write about, I now have the WordPress app downloaded on all of my devices. There is no excuse I can’t keep up with a blog. So with that being said, let’s get this started again.
I think today is just going to be about anything that comes to my mind. I’ve been a little over worker. I work 11pm to 7am about 10 out of 14 days at one job, and 7 days a week at the other job. I feel like my body is going to give out soon. My boyfriend, who we will call bubs, still isn’t working. I just wish we could pay everything off and get him a job that he wants. But I’m not going to talk about that. Its not my business. So, needless to say, I’m overly stressed out about money. I’m still living paycheck to paycheck, pinching pennies, trying to keep bubs pleased with everything he wants. The fact that I do that kind of hurts me. I want to go to Tennessee for thanksgiving to visit my grandma, I want to buy a new phone, I want buy a gym membership. I’m going to have to get anothwr job if I keep doing this. I think something in my head is telling me if I don’t keep him happy he will leave me… I’m not sure I could handle being without him. Love is crazy. All I really want in life is to be happy. My college life had to take a slight pause due to jury duty for exactly 4 weeks. It was a case between summa health system, Western Reserve Hospital Partners (WRH is 60% owned by physicians), and Western Reserve Hospital. Long story short summa was suing both WRHP  and WRH, and WRHP and WRH were suing summa. Both for different things, but that’s to much to go into. Just Google it, haha. I wonder is Summa Health System and Western Reserve are nation wide companies… But anyway, I’m a little bummed I could finish in time. I had two more months of class and one month of externships. I was suppose to be finished and working as a medical assistant already. Life throws some crazy shit at you from time to time… I’m surprised I survived thus far. Ice reconnected with one of my most favorite friends I’ve ever had. She recently moved back home. If we talk more about her later, we will call her Chris. Ooooh, I’ve had another friend move back home before Chris did. We will call her, B. All three of us are at different parts of our lives, yet they’re still two of my favorite people. They both connect with me on completely different levels. Its actually amazing. I never really thought I had different sides, I thought I was an all around boring person. I’m so hard on myself. But I’ve made positive strides and have started eating better and walking a lot more. At one point bubs and I were walking every day. Then we had a set back (we got to lazy to make healthy meals.) We have been on this journey for about three months. Within the first month I went from 222lbs to 214lbs. Its not huge, but progress is progress when you’re hard on yourself and keep yourself motivates. The second month we stopped what we were doing and went back to our original weights. Now I am back down to 216lbs. I don’t eat as terrible or as often (I truly don’t have much time to eat), but I do eat three times a day. With my line of work I’m constantly on my feet, so I’m getting some kind exercise. (For those judgmental assholes, yes I’m a big woman. I’m trying to change. Cut me some slack.) I have had baby fever like no other. My all time best friend, we will call her, Cece, had my god son and he’s the cutest little thing. Almost everyone I hung out with in highschool has a cute ass child. I actually had a scare last month… I was over a week late. (Sorry if its TMI. Also, bubs doesn’t want babies right now.) Another major part of my life right now is pretty little liars. I had a drunk night with one of my friends. We will call her, Em. She turned it on after we got home from the bar/food, and I’ve been hooked ever since. God, since this year has started I have realized I love drinking. I don’t do it every day or every week, at that. Just when I have the time and money. Its fun to let loose. I’m always focused on how I’m going to get my next dollar, rather than how I’m going to spend it. Maybe that’s my problem. I spend so much money on things I shouldn’t. I need to stop smoking. I’m just not ready for that. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do if they aren’t ready, right? I’ve been getting very bad migraines these past couple of months… I wish I could visit the doctor but, my insurance costs to much, the copays are to high, and I don’t ha e the money to pay for it all. I need to find time to apply for the government insurance. I didn’t realize how long this has gotten, but I don’t want to stop… 

Until next time,

Ash