I’m kind of getting the hang of blogging.

Well, today I’m just going to update on past things I’ve touched on and share something I wrote to myself in June. *there will be curse words!*

I’m just going to jump right in and share with you what I wrote 6/13/16. 

“!Things To Get Right!

1. ATTITUDE: You’ve been so cautious. Let things be. You don’t control the universe. Work on being happy, you deserve it. Its 6/13/16, you graduate college on 7/32/16! COLLEGE! You’re about to be a big girl working in a hospital (hopefully!) You deserve the world! Act like it! Stop being a little bitch! Let’s face it, its time you learn to be happy! LOVE YOURSELF! 

2. BODY: Let’s get it right! You’ve lost almost 10lbs in one month with just your eating habits. Let’s start actively working on it! Get in touch with your body! Do you know when you’re own body is stressed? What’s going on with it? When was your last period, Ashley? GET IT TOGETHER! Are you freaking yourself out? Get to the doctors! Please! We both need it. (Body and mind.)

3. MONEY: Living paycheck to paycheck is no way to live. Save some fucking money! You will pay your debt and get a nice house! We will have Prada bags, red bottom shoes, a littman stethoscope, designer dresses, and a huge closet to put it all. Let’s try to save a grand by this time next year! WORK FOR IT! 
4. LOVE/HAPPINESS: Learn to love yourself and be fucking happy with it! Stop feeling shitty every time your fat jiggles. Everyone has the same problem. Learn to find the happiness in life. What do you love to do? We can’t answer that right now. Find it in a year! Find something other than bubs to love, you both need it. You’re to attached and he’s suffocating. Let him breath and love him at the same time. It will work! I promise! FIND YOUR FUCKING HAPPINESS AND LOVE IT!

5. GOALS: What do you want? Do you really want to join the national gaurd? Do you want to be a nurse? Where do you want to be next year? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, ASHLEY?! Get it together, please! No more waiting! You’re better than that!”

So, now that I have actually read that again, I can kind of see that I’m extremely hard on myself. I remember the day I wrote that. I was at my first day of just duty. It had to be about 8:30am, I worked the night before. I was cranky and hungry. I forgot to make coffee and pack a lunch. All I had was my purse and the things I carry around with me daily. With that being said, I only had a 4 pack of crackers and gum. That was not nearly enough food for my 8 hour day there. It was a terribly rough day. Although, the whole experience of being on a jury made me realize that I truly love law. It was always an option for me but I thought I wasn’t smart enough. I still don’t. But I apply myself well when I want something. If I’m interested I will bury myself in it 24/7. In highschool I took environmental science and  I knew almost every word in that book. I read it cover to cover. It also had a few sections about space. I love anything space. I just never want to go there or think about how big it is… It literally scares the shit out of me… It never ends. It just keeps going and going. Who/what created it? How can something not end? It just doesn’t make a lick of sense to me and I don’t really want to know. I’m not prepared. 

Sometimes I can be very girly but I’m not good at it. Society makes me so self conscious. My eye brows aren’t done, I can’t wing my eyeliner, I can’t do amazing eye shadow, or contour anything, I don’t own fancy/fashionable clothes. Most of the time I pair my leggings with one of my tanks and bubs’ flannels. I own high heels but have nothing to wear them with. I usually just wear the heels when I’m home alone listening to our Spotify playlist and cleaning. Its so therapeutical to me. I watch so many videos on how to do fancy makeup, I buy the ipsy makeup bag every month for $10. I love trying new things, but its so pressure filled. Girls in my town are so vicious. I’m not skinny, nor do I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I weigh over 200lbs, brown hair, and hazel eyes. Ugh. Society is so crule. I know we aren’t all meant to be the same, but everyone wants to fit in. Bubs and I both struggle with this. He feels like he’s fat, but I think he’s perfect the way he is. He’s got a lot of muscle with a small layer of fat over it. I think its the most adorable thing in the world. I wish we both could see what we look like in each others eyes. Sometimes I feel so self conscious naked around him. He calls me beautiful all the time, but me being me doesn’t always see it. I’m so hard on myself. I hate it. 

Well, updating on past posts will have to wait. I feel people don’t really read long blogs. If you do, thank you. It truly means a lot. 

See ya next time,

Ash

What a day…

Ugh. What a holiday weekend. I’m sick as a dog with a migraine, I’ve been working nonstop. Today was the first day I had off in a very long time. Sadly I had to work tonight. I’ve got two jobs, one day time and the other night time. I sure do wish I would have called off but that wouldn’t work. This is what us third shifts call the holiday. I work every single day this week/weekend. I don’t think I’ll have a day off for about 10 days. Someone, please save me. I’m very stressed out today. I’m a little doped up, so I’m not 100% sure this post is even going to make sense… (I’ve taken a ton of meds to try and get rid of this damn migraine.) 

I think bubs and I are actually going to go on date tomorrow. I think him and I get 1 date a year. I’m glad he sees that I work my ass off just so we can fix his issues. (I have decided I’m not going to tell you the reason for his issues. Its not my business to tell and its a really tragic moment in his life.) I think our date is going to be Steak’N’Shake. We will get milkshakes and talk. My bubs is happy to get anything peanut butter and they just got a new peanut butter milkshake. I use to bake him all kinds of peanut butter goodies. God, where did that honeymoon love go? When did we get so vanilla? We were so happy and in love with no worries in the world. I think we just fell into a pattern. Although, I wouldn’t choose anyone else to be in this pattern with. 

You know, I wrote a list of things I wanted to write about and what I wanted to update. I think I’m actually going to stick to it. Warning, its not all pretty. I want to write about my past and what kind of conditions I grew up in. Some fucked up shit has happens. *I have a potty mouth! I said no editing of my posts.* 

When I was younger I was in choir. We had a huge show called Show Time. It was all four choirs packed into a 2 hour long show with no break in there. We sang and dance every single song we preformed. It was the best time of my life. I could sing. I was significantly smaller than I am now. I won’t say I was happier, but I was doing okay. I got by. We preformed two nights for the public, one school day for the middle school, and then another schools day for the primary and intermediate schools. (My school district has 4 schools. Primary, intermediate, middle, and high school. Its odd, I know.) I just wish I was still brave enough to preform anything in front of anyone. It was a rush. I felt so alive. I met bubs in highschool. My freshman year we were partners in a song but I ended us getting appendicitis and almost didn’t get to preform with him. I honestly wouldn’t have missed that for the world. When we got to take a lunch between our performances he snuggled up with me and kept me warm. Seriously the best man ever. 

Well, I have to do some work. I might come back and make another post about something I plan to write about. 

Until then, 

Ash

Things can get crazy…

Well… I have decided that this won’t just be about depression or being sad… This will literally be my open diary. Let’s hope my family never finds this. I’ve made a list of things that I want to write about, I now have the WordPress app downloaded on all of my devices. There is no excuse I can’t keep up with a blog. So with that being said, let’s get this started again.
I think today is just going to be about anything that comes to my mind. I’ve been a little over worker. I work 11pm to 7am about 10 out of 14 days at one job, and 7 days a week at the other job. I feel like my body is going to give out soon. My boyfriend, who we will call bubs, still isn’t working. I just wish we could pay everything off and get him a job that he wants. But I’m not going to talk about that. Its not my business. So, needless to say, I’m overly stressed out about money. I’m still living paycheck to paycheck, pinching pennies, trying to keep bubs pleased with everything he wants. The fact that I do that kind of hurts me. I want to go to Tennessee for thanksgiving to visit my grandma, I want to buy a new phone, I want buy a gym membership. I’m going to have to get anothwr job if I keep doing this. I think something in my head is telling me if I don’t keep him happy he will leave me… I’m not sure I could handle being without him. Love is crazy. All I really want in life is to be happy. My college life had to take a slight pause due to jury duty for exactly 4 weeks. It was a case between summa health system, Western Reserve Hospital Partners (WRH is 60% owned by physicians), and Western Reserve Hospital. Long story short summa was suing both WRHP  and WRH, and WRHP and WRH were suing summa. Both for different things, but that’s to much to go into. Just Google it, haha. I wonder is Summa Health System and Western Reserve are nation wide companies… But anyway, I’m a little bummed I could finish in time. I had two more months of class and one month of externships. I was suppose to be finished and working as a medical assistant already. Life throws some crazy shit at you from time to time… I’m surprised I survived thus far. Ice reconnected with one of my most favorite friends I’ve ever had. She recently moved back home. If we talk more about her later, we will call her Chris. Ooooh, I’ve had another friend move back home before Chris did. We will call her, B. All three of us are at different parts of our lives, yet they’re still two of my favorite people. They both connect with me on completely different levels. Its actually amazing. I never really thought I had different sides, I thought I was an all around boring person. I’m so hard on myself. But I’ve made positive strides and have started eating better and walking a lot more. At one point bubs and I were walking every day. Then we had a set back (we got to lazy to make healthy meals.) We have been on this journey for about three months. Within the first month I went from 222lbs to 214lbs. Its not huge, but progress is progress when you’re hard on yourself and keep yourself motivates. The second month we stopped what we were doing and went back to our original weights. Now I am back down to 216lbs. I don’t eat as terrible or as often (I truly don’t have much time to eat), but I do eat three times a day. With my line of work I’m constantly on my feet, so I’m getting some kind exercise. (For those judgmental assholes, yes I’m a big woman. I’m trying to change. Cut me some slack.) I have had baby fever like no other. My all time best friend, we will call her, Cece, had my god son and he’s the cutest little thing. Almost everyone I hung out with in highschool has a cute ass child. I actually had a scare last month… I was over a week late. (Sorry if its TMI. Also, bubs doesn’t want babies right now.) Another major part of my life right now is pretty little liars. I had a drunk night with one of my friends. We will call her, Em. She turned it on after we got home from the bar/food, and I’ve been hooked ever since. God, since this year has started I have realized I love drinking. I don’t do it every day or every week, at that. Just when I have the time and money. Its fun to let loose. I’m always focused on how I’m going to get my next dollar, rather than how I’m going to spend it. Maybe that’s my problem. I spend so much money on things I shouldn’t. I need to stop smoking. I’m just not ready for that. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do if they aren’t ready, right? I’ve been getting very bad migraines these past couple of months… I wish I could visit the doctor but, my insurance costs to much, the copays are to high, and I don’t ha e the money to pay for it all. I need to find time to apply for the government insurance. I didn’t realize how long this has gotten, but I don’t want to stop… 

Until next time,

Ash

Happy new year! 

Goodness, I need to get better at this. I’m always busy or sleeping. I never have extra time to sit and blog. So here I am, drunk and bored. 

I just wanted to tell you guys a few things I have learned in 2015. 

I’m not perfect. I don’t get straight a’s but I get very good grades for being a full time employee that still picks up shifts when I can. I’m not the perfect significant other. I’m toooooo emotional, I’m dramatic, and I’m terrible at keeping things clean. I thought of this tonight while I was the bar tonight looking for my friends and significant other. My friends were out dancing with other boys or their girlfriends and my significant other was talking to another woman who is madly in love with him. I’m going to admit that I overreacted when I saw him talking to her. I wanted to punch her. But then I realized it was him who was talking to her. He wanted to ‘catch up’ with her. I asked for my car keys and left. I wanted to go home and leave his sorry ass there. But I didn’t. Now he’s angry with me for being upset. But you know what, I’m not going to let that bother me. I’m going to get through it alone. My room is always a mess, I cleaned my living room, dining room, and kitchen last night and now it’s a mess again. I seriously don’t have time to clean everyday. My roommates should help. I shouldn’t take this all on myself. I should have help and not be stressed out all of the time. I shouldn’t cry myself to sleep most nights. I’m in need of serious help. I should learn how to control myself better. Not only for me, but for the sake of my relationship. If I could make that work my life would be a tad bit easier. 

Family will always be there to help. I was almost evicted from my apartment. My family and I came together to get the money that I needed. If it weren’t for them I would be living in my car and I would have to give up my three kitties.  I would be lost without my babies. They are always the ones cuddling next to me when I’m feeling down. Actually one is right next to me loving me. She’s the softest cat. I just love her. 

You always find out who your real friends are when you don’t have any forms of communication. My best friend and I went three months without seeing or talking to each other. Then one day she told me I was going to be a godmother!! She’s having a little boy. May 8th can’t come sooner. My best friend that moved to Vegas hung out with me for a week straight when she came home. Most relaxing week ever. Those are really my only two friends that have ever really been there for me. Regardless how much we talk. 

Sometimes you just have to let go. I let go of a lot of feelings I’ve been having. But I can’t shake some of them no matter what. I still feel sad, lost, and confused most of the time. But what else can I do? I’ve tried everything. But I’m just going to go to the doctors after I get my health insurance.

Lastly, it’s okay to love yourself when no one else will. I’m still learning this one. It’s like a masters level course, I swear. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got it, and others I feel like I’m losing the war. If I can’t love myself who can I love? I love my significant other, but I’m not sure he feels it. He acts like I don’t love him the only way I know how. But that’s for a different day.

Thank you for listening to my crazy life, guys. It’s so nice. (Even if no one reads this.)

It’s been a while…

So a lot has been going on. I’ve had some pretty low days… I’ve had some pretty good days. But who knows why or how this crazy roller coaster will ever end. I think I just wanna take a nice vacation. I need to away from everything. I need to not be stressed out and not worry about anything. 

I’m sorry but this isn’t going to a long post. I just wanted you guys to know I’m alive. I’ll give a long update soon, I promise. Goodnight guys. 

The days keep rolling by

This morning I didn’t have any off the wall thoughts. Actually it was a great morning. Him and I went to bed together and woke up together. That’s not normal for us. But I hope it does become the normal. 

I don’t say his name because I’m not sure he would enjoy that…

I took a test today over what I don’t understand… Not sure how I did. Hopefully better than I thought. I usually have no problems with school. I’m pretty book smart. I just don’t apply myself. I’ve only gotten straight A’s once and that’s because I didn’t have any friends. But then again, not much has changed… I still don’t have any friends. 

At one point in my relationship I was second guessing my relationship, but last night I realized why I have stayed so long with my baby. He truly has a good heart. Even though he says he hasn’t been reading my blogs, he asked how it was going and if I wanted to talk to him about anything. And truthfully I don’t… I don’t want to be a sobbing mess. He just pulls the most out of my head, he always knows when I have more to say but not saying it. I really believe he cares about me, his basket case…. 

I want this blog to be about everything I’m feeling, what’s going on in my life, what my thoughts are, but sometimes I get embarrassed and just erase it and write an edited version… But it still helps to get some of my thoughts out. One of my dreams is to write a book. I have no clue about what, but it’s what I want. My biggest secret is that I want to be an author. He’s the only one that knows about it. And I love it. He tells me I could be. Now the reason it’s a secret is because the people who went to high school with me got made fun of for wanting to write for a living.  One can dream. 

Well I’ve got to pay attention now. Have a good day everyone!

Ash

I’m always late 

So here it is, Wednesday. Where did the time go? 

Well I’ll tell you about my week thus far. Monday I gave blood as I mentioned in my last post. That went well. I didn’t almost pass out like I did last time. But I had to sit there for a while just so I could let my body readjust to the pint of blood missing. After that I went home, did some homework, and hung out with my roommates until my boyfriend and I decided to go get chipotle and some beers. Yes, I drank the same day I gave blood…. And I drank on an empty tummy. Needless to say I was trashed after my first beer… I don’t recommend that for anyone. We got chipotle after we went to get a few beers and then came home. We watched a little bit of tv and then went and got the HUGE tv we bought from my sister. It didn’t fit very well in my car… So that was interesting. 

Tuesday, I went to class late. I decided I was going to sleep in. I’ll explain why after I give you a run down of my week so far. I presented my project and then did some in class work, and gave a review for my teacher. Thank goodness no one knows what my answers were. She’s not a good teacher. She tells about how she failed this class in high college. After class I obviously came home, watched some tv, and then went to work. After work, I came home, hung out with my boyfriend, and then we went to bed. 

Today, we work up at about ten. I cleaned and did some laundry and then sat down with my boyfriend to watch a movie. When the movie was over he had to go to work, so I took him and sat there. While I was sitting there I watched my ‘chick shows’ on Netflix. He calls them chick shows because he doesn’t like them. Now we are at home just hanging out. He’s playing his video games while I’m blogging/making dinner. 

Well now about my thoughts and emotions. They have been all over the place. I’ve been happy and I’ve been sad. It’s like my emotions can’t figure out what they want. Monday, while giving blood, I could only think about what if I needed my blood back because something terrible happened to me and I was losing so much blood? What if I started squirting blood everywhere and died? I wonder if I’ll ever have a day that I don’t think about my own death. Also, a lot of things that my boyfriend says has been making me angry. Usually they don’t. I know he’s just joking, but I still get extremely butt hurt. I can’t figure out why. Last night while I was laying next to him I couldn’t help but think about how much better his life would be if I weren’t around anymore. He wouldn’t have to deal with so much crazy going on. He’s probably the only person who really sees what it’s like for me. I could cry about anything. I could get so angry because someone’s head lights are so bring. Hell, I could just punch someone for not wearing the right clothes. I can’t figure out why… I just want to take a vacation from my brain… That doesn’t seem like to much to ask for. Right? 

Well I hope everyone else is having a better time than I have been this week. 

Sorry I didn’t go into to much detail this time… The foods going to be done in two minutes. 

You were given this life because YOU are strong enough to live it. 

Ash

Good Moring!

So after my post last night, I woke up feeling refreshed. It’s been a while since that happen. I guess getting my thoughts out really does help. 

So this morning, I woke up at the bring and early time of 7am. Only this morning my boyfriend was there. Usually he stays up and plays video games with his friends all night, or falls asleep watching Netflix on the couch. That’s a rough topic if you couldn’t tell… But I remember him getting in to bed with me! He let me snuggle and love him. When that happens it feels like most of my worries are gone. Goodness it felt nice. Although I had some conflict in my head last night before bed… Should I tell him I started blogging? Or do I just let him find the app on my iPad? Decisions I didn’t think about when I made this account. 

God, am I really stressed about something so small? Anxiety at its best I guess…

So my morning went well as I mentioned. I woke up on time, got in the shower, found my scrubs for class, got gas, and drove the 45 minutes it takes to get to class. (I’m going to be a medical assistant in a little over a year) Although, I did find my thoughts wondering to a dark place. I can’t seem to figure out why. My car has this issue, I’m not sure what it is, but it doesn’t like to go straight. You have to concentrate very hard or you’ll be in the surrounding lanes. This morning I caught myself thinking about what would happen if the car merged and I got into a car accident? Who would care, who would cry, who would come visit in the hospital, better yet who would come to my funeral? 

Why do I think about that so often? I just want to be normal and not have to think about that. Do normal people think about things like that? Or is it just me? I guess I really could be crazy. Do people in the medical field have to have a background check to see if they’re unstable/have mental problems? God, I hope not. My whole life plan would be so thrown off. Who knows what I would do. 

I’m in the middle of class blogging… I shouldn’t be doing this. But on the plus side I’m going to donate some of my blood today. So maybe that will make me feel like I did something great this week. 

Well happy Monday! I’ll check back in later. 

From their experience came pain, and from their pain came purpose, and from their purpose came beauty. (J. Arhangel)

Ash

Let’s Get Started 

Lately I’ve been thinking about ways to get my feelings out, see if anyone is going through the same things, or if I’m truly crazy… I guess we can try this.

I intend for this just to be a day to day struggle of living with depression. Sadly I’ve done all that I can medically and nothing seemed to help. But, before we get into that I want to introduce myself.

Well, my name is Ashley, I’m 21 and currently going to college. I have three cats. Two of them are girls and one is a boy: Jason, Cindy, and Bernie. I have a roommate and a boyfriend. My best friend is pregnant, and I live five minutes away from my mother and two minutes away from my granny.

Just a little background story about my struggle with depression. I started to notice something wasn’t exactly right around the age of 14. I wasn’t going and hang out with my friends, I wasn’t laughing so hard, I always felt sad when nothing was wrong, and I seemed to always have these crazy thoughts. I can’t tell you a time that I didn’t want to be like everyone else. I wanted to be skinny with the perfect long hair and great skin… Sadly my family doesn’t have any of that and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get what I wanted. I stopped eating for about three months and I didn’t lose a pound. I think the only think I would eat would be maybe a few crackers a day and all I would drink is water. The reason that stopped was my granny. She notices everything, but she can’t fix everything. Around the same time I started self harming. I remember the first time I cut myself, it was probably the best release I have ever found. It still is…. I found the dumbest ways to hide it too… For the first year I would cut my left forearm, right on the top. When people would ask I would tell them I got scratched by my cat (I didn’t have a cat then.) Then I moved to the under side of my forearm and no one seemed to notice that, thank goodness. Then as I started to get older and my granny started to catch on I started cutting my right upper thigh. I chose there because no one ever saw that area. When my family would make me go out and do stuff they wouldn’t see the cuts if I was wearing shorts. (My family loved to go out and do things on the lake.)

I moved out of my parents house as soon as I turned 18. I blamed my mother for most of my depression. We were always fighting and everything I did never seemed enough for her. I would get good grades and she would tell me to do better. I wouldn’t get in trouble like my siblings and she would tell me to get out of the house. It was never a winning battle for me. Since I’ve moved out I have started to look for new methods to help with my depression. I tried writing (I didn’t have privacy at my parents house), walking (I would get lonely and scared walking by myself), yoga (I don’t know why I stopped that), and I trekked smoking pot. To be 100% honest, smoking pot helped the most. It didn’t have the normal effect on me. It would make me want to get out and try new things. So I did that for a while until my job offered me a management position that required a drug test. After I took the test I would smoke here and there but I was to afraid of a random drug test that I never got… Curse them for that!

The greatest thing depression ever effected is my relationship… To this day it still does… That hurts the most… He doesn’t understand and I’m not sure he ever will. He’s been my best friend for 8 years, and we have been a thing for about 5 years. I love him with my whole heart, but depression makes it come out weird… I lay in bed most days or on the couch, I don’t like social situations (he’s a social butterfly), I don’t like wearing cute clothes because I feel that everyone is judging my stomach, my fat arms, and over sized thighs. He doesn’t understand that I try everyday to get better and I can’t find the right words to help him understand what’s going on in my head. Sometimes I think he doesn’t help me, but makes it worse. We are always fighting. Hell he sleeps on the couch more than not these days. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Why can’t I be what I use to be?

I’m just crazy now. I cry every day. Why? Who the fuck knows. At this point I think I’m just doomed to be depressed forever. I want fixed. I want to help myself. I want to be happy… I don’t think that’s to much to ask for. The only things that understand me are my cats. They always snuggle me when I cry.

On a side note, I quit my management job in July, went to dunkin donuts, quit there, went to planet sub, quit there, and now I’m at an assisted living for people with dementia.

Another side note, I’m a little tipsy, so please excuse any spelling/grammar issues you find.
Let the world see how you win, no matter how you seem to them. (Kid Cudi, mad solar)

With love,

Ash